Saturday, 30 January 2016

awkward turtles & mute maggots

Saturday, 30 January 2016
~Even if I don’t start the conversation, does not mean I’m not dying to talk to you.

Human communication is one damn funny thing. We express ourselves through words, gestures, facial expressions and body postures and it's only logical that this causes many many misunderstandings.But for me, proper conversations are the most difficult. I'm good at writing stories and making up conversations in my head that won't ever happen anyway but when it comes to actual talking I, undergo three awkward stages I want to share with you:

o n e: >talking people close to you<

The first stage is quite enjoyable. With people close to you, as in your friends or your family, you can easily find one topic after another and keep rambling about life, love, books, movies or nothing at all. You can philosophise and laugh and don't have to think /wonder about what to say. Plus, and this might be the best thing, even being silent is enjoyable and doesn't turn out awkward. at least not that fast
These friends also know and accept that you might need some alone time to pull back, relax and recharge and don't mind your awkwardness.

t w o: >talking to strangers<

The next stage is harder but can be fun as well. The first step, to randomly go up to someone and start a conversation is an obstacle but after that you have loads and loads to talk about. Because you don't know anything about the stranger's life you can talk about their goals, past, dreams, hobbies etc. etc.
But to be fair, it's hard not to blurt out the questions and make the conversation feel forced. I mean, it is a little bit awkward if two people sit there and wonder what to say and start a talk with: "uh, so what do you do in your free time?" even though I also tend to forget the easiest questions from time to time
Still, since the people are strangers, it's perfectly fine not to be sure what you can talk about. The other one is probably awkward as well.
Personally, I think it's worse to tell people: "You can ask me anything you want to" (not in that fuckboy-ish "Let's talk about Sex, Baby"-way though, but more in a "I'm willing to talk to you so ask me something"-way). I get why people do that, I'm usually not asking a lot during talks, not because I'm not interested, but because I literally don't know what to ask. But when they tell me to ask something I go mute as a maggot and my brain's turning into a blank space. So, for me, this question makes the conversation so much harder

t h r e e: >talking to people you kinda know<

And then there's the real reason for my struggles. Conversations with people whom you already know in a basic way. You can't ask about hobbies or jobs or anything because you already know either because you've stalked their Facebook profile, you've had an easy conversation before or you've listened to their talks with other people
I know, I know you could still talk like in stage two but I think conversations with people you somehow know shouldn't only be about basic topics. It just doesn't feel right.
Still, even when I know that the person is the most interesting, inspiring person I've ever met, I wouldn't know how to start talking to them. I'm really, really bad at this.
On the other hand, there is so much going on in my head, I barely do small talk. I get awkward too fast and too easy and I'd rather talk about the meaning of life, death, the person's mind, science, flaws and fears.
It's really annoying. I do find topics after the chance to start a conversation is over and note them down on a list list are life but I can't just blurt out deep thoughts like I sometimes do on tgfa lmaoFor example: Only this week I thought about something that keeps bothering me: You actually always see your nose. But the brain decides to ignore it. What if there is a condition/ illness where the brain stops ignoring it. You'd see your nose the whole time! yeah I'm weird. idc
But imagine this in a real talk. It's quiet in the room, one of two people is reading a newspaper and I (in this case the other one) just blurt out something like: “If the universe is everything and it’s extending, where does it extend to?” The other one would think I'm on drugs lmfao

Sigh. I'm awkward.

a d v i s e: 

I: be straight up honest with your problems. Tell people if the silence is uncomfortable. Tell people you're not good at asking questions, maybe they'll start the conversation. And if not, well fuck that. You don't want false people in your life or people who can't handle a little bit silence. 

II: don't get too emotional. Sometimes you construe things people said because of their voices but maybe they are only stressed, tired or sad. Sometimes people are clearly angry but sometimes they aren't. Maybe the advise should rather be "be aware that not everything is exactly what it seems to be".

III: don't construe emojis. People use some of them differently and mean different things with the same emoji. And texting gets weird if you misinterpret an emoji.

IV: it's no problem not to know how to start a conversation. Sometimes the other person does, sometimes something happens and you can talk about the recent event. Just don't freak out.

V: laugh. Laugh about yourself when you've been awkward once again. Because it happens. It's just human.

I should start to take my own advise tbh

I hope this post makes sense. I love late night talks, I'm a good listener and I can give advice but it's hard to explain why I struggle to start talking and why I, or some people, suffer. It's about personal feelings and experiences but I wanted to share my awkwardness with you because, who knows, maybe someone realises they are not alone with their struggles.

off out,
rambling turtle,
Lu Ann

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